My Plug into the Matrix

I had my port taken out a week ago. The stitches are out and my scar is healing nicely. It's funny to think that little device sat in my chest, under my skin, for over a year and a half. It was my connection to the bizarre healing process for cancer. In a nut shell chemotherapy is a form of systemic poisoning. Severe drugs are administered in a controlled manner so they can act as a hurricane sweeping through your system, killing off cells in their path. The goal is kill the cancer; not you. So for most people undergoing chemotherapy, their body is literally pushed to the brink. You are forced to take the lesser of two evils - side effects and damage to other organs and systems in order to avoid death. It is indeed a difficult surreal process. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it was actually me that went through it and it wasn't some crazy dream.

None the less, it is now over for me. I hold on to my little device to remind me of the strength and perseverance I was able to find to weather that long road. It reminds me that my experience with cancer has elevated me to a whole new level of living. You've hear the saying 'some see the cup half empty and some see it half full'. Some would see this port as a symbol of disease and hardship. To me it represents my healing. It served me well as it unobtrusively plugged me into the weird world of treatment. It, the port, being on the outside also represents the fact that I am free to move on...free to dream...free to explore...free to LIVE. This is a very exciting time and I am very grateful.

Moving into 2008

So here we are in the New Year. One of my goals was to not over-think or over-react to things but I find myself doing exactly that with this first blog. So I have decided to just start writing and see where it takes me.

I am winding up a difficult 18 month journey dealing with stage II Breast Cancer. I also turned 40 a month ago. Talk about life changing!

After I got over the enormous shock of being diagnosed with the dreadful C, I decided to dive into the process and look for opportunity and growth. I became my own personal study. As I proceed to close the treatment course, I can look back and with pure honesty say it was one of the worst experiences but also best experiences of my life. THE PINK NOTES are a collection of essays that I wrote which allow the reader to get a glimpse of what goes through the mind of a person dealing with cancer treatment. These essays are honest and raw. I wrote about the various experiences from an emotional, physical, and spiritual perspective. With every challenge I faced, I tried to express how I overcame them and more importantly the strength and insight I gained from them. I continue to write them and will share some of these insights through this blog. I hope they serve you well.

My final Hereceptin treatment came right before my 40 birthday. I thought I would be inspired and motivated to get back into shape and do all these wonderful things during the holidays. Instead I found myself feeling numb and exhausted. The adrenaline rush that was silently carrying me through this last 18 months was starting to run dry. As the anxiety of this sense of failure began to kick in, I quickly brought it to a halt. If I have learned anything this last year, it was that you can't rush events that are beyond your control. My mind and body were telling me to rest and recharge. So I decided to listen. I no longer judged my softer body, my short hair that wasn't growing back fast enough and most importantly decided to enjoy this time. I indulged in everything, from good food; good wine; visited new places and most importantly enjoyed my time with family and friends. Giving myself permission to 'just be' was my birthday gift to myself.

So now as I move into 2008, I feel ready to embrace a healthier way of living again. I thank my body for waiting and I promise to fulfill my end of the deal. My goals for 2008 are based on how I want to feel. Those feelings will determine what my life experience is like. I plan to conduct my life and surround myself with what I need to make that desired experience a reality.

I thought I was living in the moment before but one of the gifts Cancer has given me is the ability to experience each moment where every cell in my body is aware. I am excited to see what 2008 brings. Cancer has released the boundaries of how I experience and view the world. My wish to you is that you may begin to intentionally release some of your own.

Give yourself a chance to 'just be',

Jackie